Day 13

It was a stressful week at work. Last weekend I saw the advertisement for a paralegal for our company.  I talked it over briefly with the administrator and I got the impression that I wasn't offered the job because I am "too nice" and I don't have the assertive/aggressive personality needed for court.  I was tortured about it all week. I finally got the opportunity to talk to my boss about it today.  I was completely wrong in my impression. He told me that I am too valuable in the position I'm in right now to change it up during a time when we have so many other things changing at work.  He wants me to stay put, take on some extra duties, and hold tight until things are settled.  After that, he will help me achieve any career goals I have.  If I want to go court in the future, he is willing to give me that opportunity.  He said I am a part of the inner circle and an asset to the firm.  He said where I am now is perfect and I could potentially be there forever, if I choose to.  So, for the next little while things will be awkward until everything gets settled and back into effective working order.  However, if I want to be involved in any discussions, then I am invited to be. The talk with the boss made all the difference in the world to me.  I am no longer tortured but instead I know my position in the firm and what the future could look like. I know I am valued, and needed. 

I also started my course this week.  I need to be diligent and not procrastinate.  I know I can do well. 

Day 5

I didn't go to the gym this morning.  I've been feeling like this whole thing (working out) isn't making any difference in my life, so what's the point?  I'm still feeling the discouragement from meeting with the fitness guy the other night.  I need to get over that and move on.  What I was doing (getting up and going to the gym to do cardio Monday to Friday) was much better than doing nothing.  I increased my running time significantly.  It took 12 weeks to run 12 times what I could when I started. What that means, essentially, is that in another 12 weeks I could be going for 1 hour runs. HOLY CRAP.

Well, I guess I have a new goal! YES!!!

I watched a weightloss motivational video this morning.  The guy said, "FIGHT TO BE THE YOU YOU'VE WANTED TO BE YOUR WHOLE LIFE."

Now I need to work on finding out who that is...

Day 3

Meant to Be - Steven Curtis Chapman

Long before you drew your first breath
A dream was coming true

God wanted to give a gift to the world
So he wrapped it up in you

Every step that you've taken
Every move that you make
Is part of his plan

You were meant to be touching
The lives that you touch
And meant to be here
Making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it

You were meant to be bringing
The gifts that you bring
And singing the songs
You've been given to sing

You are perfectly, wonderfully,
Beautifully meant to be
You were meant to be

Long before you took your first fall
You stumbled to the ground
God started telling the story of you to the angles around
Every failure and victory
Everything inbetween
Its all in his hand

You were meant to be touching
The lives that you touch
And meant to be here
Making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it

You were meant to be bringing
The gifts that you bring
And singing the songs
You've been given to sing

You are perfectly, wonderfully,
Beautifully meant to be
You were meant to be (yeah)
Meant to be
You are
You are
You are meant to be
You are
You are
You are meant to be

For every breath that your taking
And every move that you make
It's a meaningful life you've been given
Live it well

You were meant to be touching
The lives that you touch
And meant to be here
Making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it

You were meant to be bringing
The gifts that you bring
And singing the songs
You've been given to sing

You are perfectly, wonderfully,
Beautifully meant to be (yeah)
You were meant to be (yeah)
You were meant to be (yeah)
You were meant to be
To be
You were meant to be


I went to the gym last night to get a free fitness consultation.  It was basically a guy telling me everything that is wrong and things that are right with my fitness. It was a whole sales pitch.  He said things like, "You'll have to get used to taking compliments" and "liking what you see in the mirror." He clearly could not read me at all. But, I did leave there feeling more discouraged than when I went in. I did get some valuable information, I suppose.  He said to build some muscle so I will burn fat faster. That makes sense.  I decided to do some weights at home this morning instead of going to the gym. I didn't go to the gym because I was still feeling discouraged.  What he said made me feel like what I am doing is useless and the only way to get a fit body is by paying between $1,200 and $3,600 a year for it.  That is just not feasible for me. If I could afford it, then maybe I would do it... Maybe.

It is hard not to feel discouraged.  I really need to get my life organized.  I know that would help.

What am I working on right now?

- finishing my degree
- getting healthy


What do I want to be working on right now?

- writing my book
- keeping a clean house
- helping people


Ugh.  I messed up at work today.  I mean, it's not the end of the world, but I definitely should have handled it differently.  I hope it works out.  Well, I know for next time!!


Back to Organized Life... What are my priorities? What is important to me? I think I will feel better once I get my course started.  Even reading some of the textbooks yesterday made things feel better.

Day 2

Part of Me

What Are You Waiting For?

Sometimes, being the listener becomes a problem.  I sat and listened to Patty the other night, and I loved every minute. I listen to Mark all the time, and I feel blessed and honoured that I can be here for him.  I went out with Cailyn yesterday and I listened to her - which I will do as often as I can because I know the day may come when she won't want to talk to me.  The problem comes when I listen without giving myself permission to talk.  I believe that what I have to say is not worth saying... that my opinion and story is something no one wants to hear.  When I talk, it's to kill dead space. I feel so awkward when I actually share something.  I speak for only seconds and I am already thinking I have talked too much. As soon as that happens, I start to stumble over my words, I stop being cohesive, and nothing I say comes out right.  I always finish my sentence quickly and hope that someone else starts speaking.  Or, I will make light of what I just said and ask the other person more detail about something they said earlier. 

What is boils down to is that other people are worth more than me.  That means if they need to talk, then I will listen. Always.

Suddenly I know how to write my book... people who read my book are CHOOSING to read it.  No one is forcing them to read my thoughts.  No one is forcing them to listen to my life story.  I am not forcing them to listen.  They are not listening to me just being polite.  They will read it because they want to.  The readers are my captive audience.  This realization has given me what I need to write - reader's choice.  I am writing the book the those who CHOOSE to read it, for those who decide that what I have to say will benefit them.  I am speaking to those who decide to read it. 

Suddenly, I just want to start writing!

Another book thought - Instead of writing a "series", I will write the book in 2 Parts.  Part 1 - When the Car Door Closes.  Part 2 - Opening the Car Door.

Book Title: The Car Door - One Woman's Journey of Leaving Domestic Violence.

Day 1

I DID IT!! I got up with a goal this morning of running for 37 minutes, and I DID IT!

Running really is a mental game. My body is not what talks me out of it, my mind does. It's not my body that wants to quit, my mind does. Getting control over my mind is the biggest obstacle when it comes to running... and when it comes to other areas in my life.  Self-confidence is definitely a mind game. But, that is something for another time.

I am thankful for the wonderful day I had.  I had a relaxing afternoon which included a nap :) Cailyn took me out for supper to Kelsey's, then took me for dessert to Williams. After that, we picked up a few groceries at WalMart. 

I am now 37 years old. And, I can run 1 minute for every year I've been alive. I don't think I've ever, in my life, run for 37 minutes straight.  In some ways, I am in better shape than I have been for the majority of my life.  Yes, my weight is still way above where I need to be, but I am working on it. That's something.

Bon nuit. 

Testing, Testing

I am moments away from birthday #37. I have decided that I am going to blog my year.  The blog is mostly for myself, to keep track of what I am doing, and I have no plans of sharing my writings with anyone.  If people drop by, it would be an honour. But, this blog is ultimately for me.

I have found myself having trouble working through things. One way that I always used to work through my thoughts and feelings was to write about it in a journal.  It has been a long time since I have done that.  This is my year.

THIS IS MY YEAR.

For many things.

And, I am excited.

It will start tomorrow morning with me running for 37 minutes.  One minute for each year I have been alive.

I can smash that goal tomorrow morning and start this year knowing that I AM CAPABLE.

PJ IS CAPABLE.

HAPPY 37TH BIRTHDAY TO ME... It's midnight.